Today is chaos.

Organized chaos, but like literally organizing all day has left my brain alone to wander. It's too small to be left alone unattended lol.

I want to wake up and make you breakfast. I want to bring you breakfast and coffee in bed just so you can stay comfortable in our bed for a little longer. I want to spoil you with attention and stuffies and all the things. Mostly? Honestly? I just want to spend time with you. You make things so much easier, you shut my brain up for a bit. I hardly know you really, and that hurts a bit but that's not about me. You will open up when you're ready, or maybe you won't be...and I will wait or accept whatever you share. 

I cleaned out a drawer for you since you said you wanted to spend Friday nights with us. It's all so fast and yet not fast enough. I want it all, and yet, I'm so scared to do more, want more but am happy where we are. Mostly I want you to be happy. Whatever that looks like for you. I know we're all scared. This is so new and ...to me at least, oddly natural. 

You're changing me for the better, in a way I'll always appreciate because I'm me now. I'm okay with who I am and who I am  becoming. The changes are that you encourage me to do the right things, the things that feed my soul and body. Today you reminded me to eat, and I did. Yesterday, You stopped me from binging, unintentionally but knowing I don't want to be a toxic person for you or for him anymore. I want to be the person I've always held back from because she's too much for everyone...and like I said yesterday, I'm finally with my people.....

That's enough for today I think.....my brain hurts from caffeine withdraw....but it will get better.

Today he told me that he can feel me getting smaller when he hugs me. I can't wait to get to my goals, but I'll do it the right way this time because I want to do it right....for both of you.

Totus Tuus,

Emi

Super Moon

 

Super Moon

I honestly am not sure what’s going to come out of my fingers at this point so this should be fun. What is it about people that can show you all of the things that you didn’t know you needed, wanted or cared about?

 

I mean it. For the first time in my life, I have solid friends. Not ones who only use me to vent, friends who are there for me whether we are sharing good stories, or bad. Ones that make time to spend time with me. I’m learning that I’m valuable as a person. This is so hard because I’m already on the verge of tears here. I have spent most of my life thinking I’m a problem, that I talk too much, I have too much energy, I’m to chaotic, I’m too loud, I get too jealous, I need a lot of attention.

Now let’s be fair. I am all of those things, but it’s my friends showing me that I can be honest about my feelings, communicate them, and they love me for who I am. I’ve never been surrounded by so many good people in my life that the negative ones toxicity drips off of them for me now. I’ve always settled for what I think I was worth. It was the, yeah they drain me and they’re toxic but at least I have friends. I know, I don’t want to go, but they never invite me so I think I should go. GROSS. Gross. That’s so gross. I’ve spent most of my life settling for mediocrity when I’m a great friend. I’ll do whatever you need as soon as I can. I’m like that. I’m finding the word emotional coming at me a lot lately. I’m learning about my birth chart, and it’s like Pisces are so emotional! I’m like ugh that’s so mean. It’s not. I’m passionate. I’m full of love and kindness, and to be fair, anger too. Passion swings both ways. It’s a weird thing to realize that all of that stuff I hold in, is what makes me, me. My mask is off…..my mask is off. I still mask with some people, nature of the world, but more often than not now, I’m me. I’m truly me.

                I deserve friends who care about me as much as I care about them. I deserve friends who want me to spend time with them. I deserve friends who lift me up and want the best for me, even when I don’t know what that is yet. I deserve friends who have my back even when I turn it.

And yeah, big old smile now because I HAVE THOSE FRIENDS. This isn’t what I was even going to write about, not the intent, but here we are. It’s because of a specific friend that I’m seeing my value. My friend lifts me up, holds me accountable for all of my actions, showers me with the attention I need, and because of it? I am happier than I’ve been in a long time, I’m losing weight, I am getting more done than I have in ages, and on top of all of that? I’m learning to love myself. I’m learning that people can love you without wanting something from you. People don’t always want to hurt you.

                Love is so complicated, it’s not black and white, it’s a grayscale and my friends, let me tell you, I’m living a monochromic passionate rollercoaster.

                I always hated the saying, if they want to, they will, because I’m someone who constantly will do what I don’t want to help someone else even if it hurts me. I’m realizing that all my intuition, all my red flag finders are blind right now. They’re blind because I’ve been scared to really see.  I opened my eyes today, I saw hearts and love, and volcanoes and cracks…..and I cried…happy tears. Passionate love that cracks the surface is my most treasured resource. I thrive where I can let you into the cracks.

So Here I am…..scared to share this, scared to open my eyes any further, and scared that my intensity is still going to be too much….

 

Here’s to hoping it’s not <3

 -Emi