Weird

It's fucking weird that I all I had to do was ask and you answered. Weird healthy shit. 

I feel stupid for being so wrapped up in my own head that I couldn't see the forest for the trees  nor ask the forest ranger.

Hey dumbass, just ask next time okay? 

Love is love my dudes. 

-Emi

He wears your

 red flags like scarves and he tells me that I need to understand that you're just like me when I was broken.....

But I wouldn't date the old me either. I'd worship her for a few weeks and then I'd leave her in the dust of her own self made fantasy of who she thought I was and that is what I think fucking hurts the most.

You're not a fantasy. You're real....

but you're hiding all of the broken pieces so I can't help you pick them up, and I know you're not ready for those to be picked up, but could you at least let me see the reflection of them? Show me that they are there, and one day they will be ready because you tell everyone how no one can handle your brokenness but you don't show. Not really. You tell a little. You hide big things in little pieces of information and he...well he's logical and I am the ocean. I ebb and I flow and my emotions are tidal waves. Some crash to shore looking for some sand and some take over and ruin everything. He is a boat, and you are a mermaid and I am the ocean. We work, we flow but my dear, my love, my happy place, you are swimming away from both of us, searching for your legs....

that's enough poetry for the day in motion. Here's to hoping he's right and I'm not...because if I am....I will go right back to being a petty, toxic bitch, and hot girl summer is on....

~Emi

Is this a test?

 Because i'm going to fail.

My friends are all as fucking chaotic and crazy as me and they feel just as violently. 

and they fucking agree.

I'm not here for this. 

I go back to my cave now.

~Emi

Epiphanies are like.....

 The weirdest thing happened last night, I had an epiphany. Normally mine are like, oh you are emotionally damaged because your step dad called you fat, stupid and ugly when you were 50lbs, had straight As, and just got glasses. 

Last night was a fucking doozy. Being emotionally open comes naturally to me. I kind of hide in plain sight. You know just enough about me to feel close, but never enough to really know me. The only person that knows me is him. He has been there, seen all my baggage, and helps me carry it. I didn't realize how much he carried until emotionally matched baggage was sat down next to mine on the flight to somewhere I didn't realize I was going. How's that for a fuckery metaphor. 

I hide in plain sight because I have severe abandonment issues that stem from my mother and fuck if that doesn't make more sense because now....now I see that it's really only women that I fear leaving me. Not that I don't have Daddy issues but he fixed most of those. I know he's never leaving me. So here's where you come in. I put my baggage next to yours, and while a lot of it matches, I'm like freaking the hell out that I put it out there. You've been a little distant at least in my overanalyzing brain, which isn't fair to you, but I also don't want to make you feel like you have to placate my crazy ass everyday either. 

So here's the epiphany, I'm usually so busy taking care of others that I don't realize my own needs are being neglected. Now I'm aware because I took down a wall...and to be completely honest, it's terrifying....and I fucking hate it. I let you know that I needed you and I don't want to do this without you. And now I'm crying. I can't process all of this. I'm trying to do it in a healthy way but all i've ever been taught was toxic. So I'm trying to give you space and process in an adult way, instead of the my way or nothing way that processes in my head. I'm trying not to let myself panic. You're changing the core of who I am and what I'm capable of and omfg I am not used to be challenged. I got super comfortable. 

Now that my mascara is all over my face because I fell asleep trying to process all of this last night and I couldn't  be bothered to get up from my comfort spot..... I have a million things to do and crying over the fact that I'm madly in love with someone isn't on the list! Btw, I realized this morning how fucking obvious it probably is to everyone around me how fucking in love I am and now I know I need to work on masking better. At least until you're ready to tell the world. I'd shout it from the fucking rooftops but I will wait for you to be ready and him to be ready because the first thing people will do is rain on us. And then when they're done, they'll try to fetishize us. But this isn't about that, it's about love. True love that I feel in the depths of my soul. and my physical reaction to even typing this in a place where people can see is still EW GROSS FEELINGS.

Fuck being a "well rounded" astological mess kk? Thanks. Fucking water sun, earth moon, earth rising, venus air, water mars. >.< I'm a mess.

but you know what? I'm your mess.

~Emi

When the stars align....

 Stars

It's so weird that I'm sitting here trying so hard to acknowledge that what I feel is real and not a game, it's not toxic, and it's not for personal gain. I'm so used to being toxic with romantic entanglements, that it's my default. He pointed it out to me that I'm still working on my self value so much he's afraid I'm going to do the stuff that almost broke us up in the beginning. He stuck by me and figuring me out. I don't want to be that way anymore. I think that's why I'm on the verge of tears. I'm so mad at myself for being so doubtful when you've done nothing but reassure me that it's going to be okay. You've made it clear how you feel, how you behave..they match. Actions and words, and yet I'm still like how can anyone love me. I'm pretty amazing when I stop being so stuck in the council. The council needs to be fired. It tells me that I'm fat, ugly, needy, and not worth a damn. I'm trying so hard to shut them up but I beg of both of you to be patient with me. I hate this side of me. I hate feeling this way. I hate needing constant reassurance, I KNOW I AM EXHAUSTING, I live with me on a day to day basis. 

I'm sorry I'm struggling, but I'm grateful I have you both, supporting me, loving me and rewiring the system that lies to me.

This horoscope says I'm disregarding things, but I'm not. I'm trying not too be too much. I don't want to be a burden. I am being honest, I just don't know how to tell you that Saturday meant everything without feeling like you're going to run. I'm afraid if I'm too much you're going to run. You haven't, and I know, fuck i know this is a lot. Holy fuck. I'm scared you'll run if I show you all of me. 

I wasn't ready for that epiphany. Gross. Feelings are gross and I feel all the things. You're scary because I can't shut them off like usually because it's real and valid...and scary af.

I still want to hang out forever, please be patient with me, I'm sensitive and working on years of self deprecating love.

Love,

Emi

******Horoscope that made me type all this shit out**********

Daily Love

 Your poker face is on point today, but that doesn't necessarily mean it will work in your favor, Pisces. Despite whether you're single or already attached, the key is to make sure you're being honest with yourself, and your lover. Like or not, you have a lot going on internally, especially regarding your emotional world. However, Mercury's square with Neptune in your sign creates feelings of ambiguity, so you could end up making the mistake of disregarding this part of you. If this is something you feel compelled to do, take a second to ask yourself why.

The faire

 Could yesterday have been any better? Only if I was strong enough to get out of my head. 

Was I totally reassured? Yes.

Was pushing a little okay? Not really but I got the validation I needed.

Was it the answer I expected? No. It was so much better than what I even hoped to hope for.

I know I'm not saying much but there's a little but of me that just doesn't want to share my happiness because some people like to rain on parades...and bitch, we dance in the rain here. 

Not me looking at dresses. Not me thinking of rings. Not me happier than ever. Not me figuring it all out of my head.

In her feels and in her head,

Emi

Weekends

Insert stereotypical love song shit here.

Sighhhhh 

Love,

Emi

 Broken

like 

shattered glass.

I don't fit 

back together.

Melting Trauma

into a new

entire piece.

All Bringing,

no peace.

Miss me with the LOVE,

Hit me with the Strength,

To throw down my fate and....

escape.

fuck this feeling

Why am I so fucking needy? And jealous? It's so fucking toxic. I know it is. I'm trying to dismiss these feelings but fuck. 

Today I feel exhausted. I'm taking on everyone's shit and while I did, the extras in my life asked me for help. 

"How did it go?" "Did his appt go well?"

Yeah. Two friends bothered to ask if I was okay today. I wasn't but we can't be a burden. We apologize for speaking. We live life at 10% around others and are still so much for them. Why are my trauma responses masking the pain and then getting mad when no one sees I'm hurting? 

Fuck today,

Emi

Date nights

A red candle broke the candle holder which feels like a metaphor of my heart. Not broken, just too powerful to contain itself in a single vessel. Whatever higher power put my ass on this Earth did it so I could love and feel deeply; and I do. My friends, my family, everyone in my life is here for a reason now. I'm only surrounded by those I love. Weird. Love it though. 

I have a hard time looking at you when you talk. You overwhelm me and honestly, because that's my nature, I was scared what looking into your eyes when you talked would reveal. Imagine my surprise when I saw the happiness last night. Fuck. Just fuck. I wasn't expecting it. Not sure what I was expecting to be honest....but...you're not most people. I'm still figuring that out, and I hope you'll be patient with me as the trauma from my past consumes how I panic in relationships by assuming the worst. 

I know it's stupid, but that hug meant everything to me. I'm not touched starved by any means, I'm touched out, most days, but it means more from you. It's a connection. I used to use sex as a way to feel loved and validated and I honestly think that's why I needed the hug was to feel both of those things. Growth I suppose. Healthy is weird to me still, because why he gets my brand of crazy, I've masked so long, I sometimes forget what the real me and how to even be vulnerable. Thank you for listening and taking that into consideration. I know touch isn't your thing which makes it mean more to me. 

I am also nervous because tomorrow I will start the pills to help me lose weight. I've never done this before,....I want to do better though. I want more from life, I want to live longer. 

So here's to hugs, ET phone home, pinky promises and emerald rings from boxes of love,

Emi

Cupcake, Kiss Icing the Third and hanging out.

 I bought crystals and candles today. I actually sought out a crystal shop. My brain just ran off the tracks...and I lost my entire point of this....ha.

You slipped yesterday and said this is why I love you. I acknowledged it, we both looked at each other and agreed to let it go. We're not ready for the feels. I'm okay with that. He said I get bored when I get to know people. He's not entirely wrong....he's just not entirely right either. Men bore me in general. I'm just being honest. They are often seeking something from you, and don't maintain the emotional stability or intellect required to keep my fast paced brain moving. You both have that for me. It's exchanges of ideas and places, and growth, and plans. It's not gossip or bringing others down for our own entertainment. We block people who are trash, and we don't need to discuss them anymore. I fucking love that. I really do. I've spent so much of my life engaging in gossip, and not positive things....and that's part of the toxic skin i'm shedding. The woman under the toxic girl skin is happy. 

You said you're like Elliot and it makes sense. I'm paying attention. I'm hearing you. I like you for who you are. I'm not going to get bored, because you're not a boring person. <3 Let's hang out forever <3

<3 Emi