crying

I should be happy. I should be estatic. 

Instead I cried. Silently and no tears fell. Not like in the shower today. 

I really need a therapist again or I'm going to fuck this up like I fuck everything else up. 

Exhausted

 Exhausted and Brutal. It's all I can say. Over and over until I'm blue in the face....

but no one listens. Not really. They sweep it under the rug and go back to their complaints where I'm supposed to listen and when I offer advice no one cares, they just want to bitch. They're all comfortable in their misery. I've worked on myself so much these past few years that I can't do that anymore.

And then I realize that I'm bored and want to set the world on fire for fun. Which isn't healthy but also the red flags are so high...and so bright. How do you keep yourself from boredom when everyone is boring? Why is it so hard to find people engaging? I almost wish I was in college just to discuss books and works of history instead of everyone's personal problems.

Maybe I need to do the book club again.

I don't know.

Maybe I should set the world on fire.

~Love and Light your house on fire,

Emi

aquarius venus

How quickly the tides change. 

How quickly logic takes over the heart. 

How quickly the heart walls itself. 

Crush

I am an insecure disaster. I need constant reassurance. I know I look confident and secure...and hell after 16 years you'd think I know love and get love...turns out nah. I'm still an idiot on love. 

Do I want to have to ask for basic things? No. Do I want to ask and then realize it's going to be the husband getting flowers because you asked conundrum? NO. Fuck this whole thing. Honestly. I'm so tired of being in my head. I wish just for once I could enjoy something for what it is. But that's also not true because I deserve to have my needs met as well.

I'm exhausted. Maybe I should just stfu. I'm bored.

I don't want to do that.

~Emi

oof

In the beginning God made the world and saw it was good. 

The. Wtf happened? I have no elegance tonight. I'm torn and confused and honestly.... A bit...nevermind. 

In the words of my chemical romance. I'm okay, trust me. 

it is cancer season or am I a little bitch?

Why can't I communicate? Like in general. I'm a peacekeeper, I'm the one who feels and tells. But am I? No. Easier to shove it all down. I've completely shut down the last week and it's starting to get to me. 

Fuck this. 

Days like this.

Mama said there'd be days like this....

Yeah song quote. I don't know. My brain said to type it. It's weird to be happy this long. I'm so used to self sabotage and my own self.created drama. I'm really tired today. Not sure if it's from carrying the literal weight of everything last week, a cranky 2 year old kicking my back all night or the fact I'm a beacon for emotion dumping. Which I'm not complaining about. Knowing I'm a safe space, actually makes me happy. I didn't have one growing up, so it's vital that I'm safe. However I need better boundaries so I can protect my empathic heart. Reading real drama is so hard, helping someone through it...harder still. 

And yet as tired as I am, last week was great. I hate being bored. I need to catch up tomorrow. I'm drowning at home after two days of not being home. It will be fine though. Always is. Just need to get out to somewhere besides target and on the border. 

My brain went on a tangent about hot girl summer and I have to laugh. My friends know me as a nonjudgmental person but in my head, I'm a real bitch. I'm working on it, but jeez. Lol

Felt a bit guilty our friend did a mass for Brian, and I don't think I can ever go back to that church. I just...can't. I don't belong there. My life and my love aren't not sins..I'm more than a means to reproduce. 

I wont get into it now. Off to distract my brain before it goes too far off the deep end today. 

-Emi