Days like this.

Mama said there'd be days like this....

Yeah song quote. I don't know. My brain said to type it. It's weird to be happy this long. I'm so used to self sabotage and my own self.created drama. I'm really tired today. Not sure if it's from carrying the literal weight of everything last week, a cranky 2 year old kicking my back all night or the fact I'm a beacon for emotion dumping. Which I'm not complaining about. Knowing I'm a safe space, actually makes me happy. I didn't have one growing up, so it's vital that I'm safe. However I need better boundaries so I can protect my empathic heart. Reading real drama is so hard, helping someone through it...harder still. 

And yet as tired as I am, last week was great. I hate being bored. I need to catch up tomorrow. I'm drowning at home after two days of not being home. It will be fine though. Always is. Just need to get out to somewhere besides target and on the border. 

My brain went on a tangent about hot girl summer and I have to laugh. My friends know me as a nonjudgmental person but in my head, I'm a real bitch. I'm working on it, but jeez. Lol

Felt a bit guilty our friend did a mass for Brian, and I don't think I can ever go back to that church. I just...can't. I don't belong there. My life and my love aren't not sins..I'm more than a means to reproduce. 

I wont get into it now. Off to distract my brain before it goes too far off the deep end today. 

-Emi

insomnia

I fell asleep early...exhausted lately..

But I woke up at 3am wondering if you were safe. 

And then I read to keep my brain from overthinking. 

But my book is finished. And my brain won't shut up. And it sucks. 

Here's to finding another book so my gut does.remind me that I'm not usually wrong. 

-Emi

I'm learning, I think

 I feel like I'm getting to know you a bit. Maybe. Lol. You're a mystery, and I can't read you. I may never be able to. But last night meant so much.

I have elegant poetry in my head and my brain is not allowing it to come out the way I'd like. It comes out jumbled and messy, and it frustrates me to no end. 

I feel broken this week, but I have to push through. I have to get things done, and I have to figure out how to make the brain do thing things too. 

I just had an epiphany but I don't want to share with the world or internet. I have to trust in the universe and the stars and they will show me what I need to do.

~Emi

so

Oof.

Fuck you mercury gatorade.

it's late

And I still have a million things to do. He told me to just get it mostly straighten in the last two rooms but I'm determined to do this right. 

Have I been cleaning for 13 hours minus food breaks? Yes. 

Did we finally finish Chamber of Secrets while I folded laundry? Also yes. 

Am I frustrated because I can't find my fucking charger? Fucking hell. Yes. 

I told my sister today. It was both anxiety riddled and relief. She of course accepts me for who I am and what I want with my life. I ended up telling her how I feel about her husband and she defended him. I told her I would try to get to know him better. But I'm still cautious. That's what sister's do I think. I wouldn't know. It's been so much bullshit in our family, I'm just now getting my sister. 

I cried today. I've been crying a lot. Beats being angry tho. L&D still haven't bothered to text or call. They bailed as usual. I....can't say I'm surprised after everything. To think that's who I used to emulate. That's what I wanted. Gross 🤢. I hope I'm never like that.

Had a long talk with my oldest today. He told me he finds boys and girls attractive. Depends on the person. Same my dude. Same. He's very perceptive and asked some good questions. I answered. Weird day. More growth. 

But back to what I want to be. Happy, confident and more like her. Lighting up a room, commanding it, the fire....it's mesmerizing. I don't want to command the room but I want to be noticed and not because my aura says, I'll be your emotional dumpster. I want it to say, bad bitch. 

P and A help a lot too. They're my sister wives. They support and love be when I'm full blown pisces deep in a crisis or when I'm just happy because I've got the hottest feyfriend in the Galaxy. Need to check on A more. Her pregnancy was a surprise and she needs support. P is like me, happy to express and validate and ask for what they need. I want to emulate being more aware of what I need like her. 

Pride nails? Maybe. Poly nails? Maybe. 

Off to do more laundry and cleaning because future me will be grateful. 

-Emi

Reminders

 Everything is a reminder of the good state in my life right now. I have to let go and stop trying to control everything. Being vulnerable is so not my natural state. 

I have so much to do today so I probably shouldn't venture out too far into my head today. 

"I try to meditate, cause they told me it'll help

But the last thing I need is more time 8alone inside myself." -Icon for Hire

I feel that line so much. The more I'm in my head they less I make sense. I need to get back to writing all the ideas in my head. I need to get back to doing things that make me happy when I'm alone. Growth is weird because you're looking all the things you like and don't like about yourself, but sometimes have to keep going okay yes but  I need to make time for this too. 

Busy schedules are both great and sad. Its hard to find time for all the things and people in your life that you want to do. I've cut back as many things as I can as far as my volunteer work, and giving up the dog. I know I'm on the precipice of something freaking amazing, I just need to stop striving for control. I want happiness, I want freedom, and I want peace. 

Yesterday was awesome. I can't wait to spend more time just doing what we do. 

I need to plan some things but I need to focus today. Today is the day I do what he needs me to do, so we all breathe a little easier. 

Listening to the playlist you sent,

~Emi